Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Keep trying no matter how hard it seems

I'm getting pretty tired of trying to make the best out of what, for all intents and purposes isn't good news. I think this is what I've been trying to do, not always successfully, since 2005.

The latest health-front news, is basically more neutral to bad news. Now, I'm in the process of making the subsequent mental adjustments to try and feel better about it. The MRI today ultimately told us nothing more than we already knew. But, it also confirmed what is still so hard to believe; there's thyroid cancer in my 5th thoracic vertebrae.

Getting an MRI is a pretty crazy experience. It is kind of like being stuck in a really bad crowded techno dance club; they're awfully loud, there's weird computer sounds, your arms are tucked up against you, and you can't see a thing. The MRI however, pales in comparison to the 'gamma camera' scan that I get after radioactive iodine treatments. Talk about big machines being right up against your nose for long durations. The time for the MRI was about a third of what it takes for the gamma camera.

After the scan, I got to experience one of the benefits of being a part of the medical establishment; straight back to the radiologist's lounge to see the picture they took of my spine (sometimes I feel really sad considering how hard it is for me to get information and comprehend all this stuff especially when I think of how many people don't have medical backgrounds who deal with the same stuff).

It was a pretty terrifying image. Even though I knew it was there, it was a whole different experience seeing it in the high resolution of an MR scan. My stomach sank and began to hurt. The radiologist was a hero and after seeing the 'lesion' in my vertebrae proclaimed (DISCLAIMER, those under the age of 18, I am about to use bad language, prepare yourself or look the other way and skip to the next paragraph) "Man, I hate me some fucking cancer". My thoughts exactly.

I drove myself home and went out to dinner with Maggie to our favorite restaurant. I found myself thinking that 'well, at least there's only 1 nodule in my vertebrae, because there very well could be more'. And there you have it: "trying to make the best out of what isn't good news".

It is good for me to write on this blog and share these bad times with people. I'm amazed if you actually read through all this melodramatic, crappy writing, full of mis-spelled words and sappy thoughts. Its funny, I don't actually feel like I'm writing for an audience, but somehow feel more connected through this form of communication.


cleeland said...

bad word warning: fuck.

you know, I'm at a complete loss of words other than that.

Davey B said...

Hey Buddy, I'm always reading and thinking of you. Keep it coming if it helps, I'll keep reading.


CockPuncher said...

Ditto Chris & Dave's thoughts, Dan. When are we going to see you guys again? Open invite to dinner and a movie at our place...Will needs a playmate! Making the best of the bad is the only way to go, so keep going! I'm going to try to get a ride in today, outside for a change.

Black Matt said...

Dan, whatever you need to do to make the best of a bad situation for you and your loved ones, by all means do it. If that means providing insight into your situation and the corresponding emotions it brings, keep it up. You have the support of a huge number of folks and I'm sure any one of us would whatever we could to help you or your family. Say the word. I am exceedingly sorry that you have to go through this.

Ethan said...

See you on the weekend ride.