Sunday, May 15, 2011

Big week and race reports

I'm heading to MD Anderson in houston this week to get checked out by my cancer docs. The anxiety has been very high over the past few months...so many questions unanswered. We fly out Tuesday, get in around dinner on tuesday night, then wake up and have the following schedule:

07:00 AM 1 hour of yoga and meditation
08:15 AM- BLOOD/SPECIMEN COLLECTION
08:40 AM- XRAY CHEST, PA & LAT
08:50 AM- CT CHECKIN-DONT EAT 3 HR PRIOR
09:20 AM- CT SCAN, CHEST/HEAD & NECK
09:50 AM- Eat a shit ton of food from the buffet
11:30 AM- ride the crappy spin bike in the exercise room
01:00 PM- CHECKIN FOR TEST / EXAM
01:15 PM- NEURO US SOFT TISSUE HEAD&NECK
03:30 PM- PREPARATION/CHECK IN FOR MRI
04:00 PM- MRI T-SPINE W & W/O CONTRAST
05:00 PM- MRI L-SPINE
06:30 PM- get loaded with my wife on cheap wine at the hospital bar, then eat, then watch movies (we don't have TV so always go a bit nuts when we do)

If anything needs to be biopsied, it will be during the US (aka ultrasound).

Then I see the doctor the following day at 9:30.

I've been quite depressed over the past few months. For some reason, despite living with cancer for 6 years now, the last year has been hard with the last 6 months being absolutely soul crushing. I just can't see past this incredible sensation of impending doom.

I miss a ton of my friends who are spread across the globe and the bike community here in Columbia has been different this year than in the past. I've been riding a bunch by myself and didn't go hard at all until around early April. From then, I started doing some short intervals and raced mountain bikes a few times. Inertia sucks sometimes because it's inertial...basically I've found it hard to get going.

Last saturday was Greensfelder marathon. I rode hard and pretty well for 45 minutes, then flatted and subsequently felt like poo. I don't think I'm built for marathon, metabolically speaking. My mountain bike season so far has gone something like this:


At least this past week I had a ton of fun and rode in some awesome weather:
Monday was a 2.5hr easy ride on gravel with 2 laps at cosmo.
Tuesday was the Tuesday night crit in St Louis, first road 'race' of the season. Buried myself. I tfelt great.
Wednesday- easy 2 hrs with a hot lap at cosmo
Thursday- trainer ride, mostly easy with a little tempo
Sat- top-secret openers bestowed from Schottler for helping him out last week.
Sun- race mtn bikes

I haven't really felt great about any racing this year. But today was exactly what I needed. Sometimes when your body is fighting something it can alter your emotions which affects your thinking. Other times, you mind affects your emotions which may or may not affect your body. The problem is that it is hard to tell in which direction the flow is moving. Today, I was tired of not feeling good on the bike, so I brought my trainer to the race and warmed up properly for the first time ever. The race went great and I finally feel a sense of inner strength again....the whole reason I ever started in any athletic pursuit.

Random pictures of interesting and strange things:

Does this actually sound appetizing to anyone? You know vitamin D without fat just gets pooped out right?

Mark Twight wrote these words and just posted on his site, please respect them as his (not mine):
"Evolve. Adapt. Grow up.
Be willing to move on from a particular identifying idea or activity or period in your life. When it is time to do so, let it go instead of inhabiting it. Do not become it, or die chained to it.

The first goal need not be the final one
Use physical activity to diagnose and learn oneself
Use physical activity as meditation - become what you are doing
Use physical activity as a developmental tool
Learn the truth of one way and extrapolate to all ways, to self
Do something all the way or don't do it at all
Understand the shallowness of dilettantism
Understand the shallowness amateurism
Also understand the necessity of each
Bite off more than you can chew - deal with indigestion or the tiger on the end of the tail if it becomes an issue
Maybe it won't

Grow
Change
Cause change
Try new things
Don't lose track of the past or the path that led here
Let the past influence the future
Do not dwell in that past
Don't get stuck on a particular rung of the ladder
Try on many shoes
Reject stagnation
Understand the danger of repetition
Understand the value of repetition
Constantly shift focus from big picture to small detail, back and forth, wide angle, zoom
Constantly shift focus from master to student and back in an instant

Be dogmatic when it works
Be open and bending when that works
Hard works, soft also works, each appropriate to a moment
Expect more from yourself
Do not settle for good enough unless the task does not truly matter
Obsession is how one gets things done
Body teaches mind and vice-versa
Learn with the body
Learn with the mind
Allow both to grow
Drive both to improve (according to particular objectives)
Do not coast

I will never arrive
I will never "know"
I will only know how little I know
If and when I know more than others I will wear it on my sleeve, as a badge, as my standard. I will be ego-driven where appropriate and sometimes where it's not. I will be ego-less where it is appropriate, and necessary. I will try not to get in my own way. I will use my talent instead of wasting it.

I won't make excuses when I fall short.
Instead I will make corrections."

4 comments:

Tracy said...

Dan, thanks for being so candid about your experiences of the last few months. I only hope that by posting here it helps relieve some of the depression, inertia, and anxiety - knowing your larger community can help hold that with you as you go through this next round.
-Tracy

ProPam said...

You and Maggie are in my thoughts this week.

Schottler said...

Hope the top secret openers helped. Always thinking about you guys, you are a huge inspiration to all of us.

Andy said...

Been thinking a lot about you.

Hoping for the best.

I am in the future, it is the afternoon of the 19th here. The morning was difficult but nothing that couldn't be overcome. The afternoon was fine. I hope your today is the same or better than mine.

-Andy