Friday

Ideas:
1.Please read the comments section on Livestrong's perspective on health care reform and some of their supporters views' on the topic. Link here. I posted a commented on their blog early yeseterday morning after reading the first few entries. As you may, or may not know, I'm deeply saddened by much of the public's outcry regarding this topic. I believe much of it is based on mis-information. Health care in this country is a moral tragedy. The insurance companies don't have a prayer of self-regulating. The government needs a role.

That's about all I have to say at this point regarding this very sad topic.

2. I had coffee yesterday morning with an oncologist and have been receiving advice from a mystery local cyclist-blogger. It feels good to have concrete, thoughtful discussions about my decision of what I want for my future. They basically think that if I'm not having any pain or poor lung function, then I should do what makes me happy and is good for my family. Is it totally fatalistic to think and plan about not leaving my wife and 15month old daughter with 2-4 years of medical school debt? Right now, I have 2 years of debt and if I continue I'll have 4 total years of debt. I can't just quit and do nothing and I also can't quit and volunteer all of my time away (probably my biggest 'temptation' right now). Right now, I think I’d like to stay in medical school or perhaps pursue a PhD but to take some time off and do something different for a year or two.
Anyway, that's one of the things I keep thinking about. I guess in a way I'm planning to die in 10 years, even though I really am trying hard not to do that. I know, I'm strong and all that bullshit, but in the depths of my brain I can't help but thinking in those terms: 1 decade. 30-40% 10-year survival. Yeah, I know...I probably don't fall into those statistics. I really don't want to argue about the fact that the way I am thinking is wrong because of such-and-such a reason. I just want you to hear what I'm thinking. The plan for the worst-case-scenario. Now, do I let it dictate my options or do I ignore it as unreasonable? Of course it is unreasonable on a variety of levels, but if you want to have a conversation, I can make a pretty strong case for why in fact, it is reasonable to at least consider the worst-case-scenario.

Emotions
There's a lot of these. Won't try to write about all of them.

-Oh man, I desperately need to make something good of all this shit! (I think that's probably guilt but maybe also hope.)
-Warmth, peace, and happiness when I'm with maggie (love)
-I want to crush Dave Breslin on a mountain bike at one race this year (definitely anger....sorry dave, its nothing personal only the expression of my anger...seriously, its NOTHING personal)
-Pain about the direction healthcare debate has taken (sadness)

Lots more, but this entry is getting long.