Friday, July 16, 2010
Rage and self-love
Racing attitude yesterday: Breath. Chill. Don't compare to others, only compare myself to myself with past accomplishments and future potential. Go out and give it 100% and wherever the chips fall...
It was a constant mantra during the race yesterday and it felt good. Real good. I ended up getting second and missing the win by just a wheel or so. I also didn't fall or ride outside of myself too much...finally.
Next week, yikes. Don't have much of a mantra for that. There's really 3 possibilities:
-Tumor marker lower and scans show less or smaller tumor, i.e. the treatment in January worked.
-tumor marker the same and scans show no change, i.e. still don't know if the treatment worked or not.
-Tumor marker increased, tumors spread to either more bone or brain.
Every once in awhile, I get scared about what is going to happen but generally, I really don't know what to expect and don't really believe that positive intentions or a good attitude will affect the outcome, only my existence in the meantime. The cold hard reality of nature, in this case malignant cells unresponsive to the normal homeostatic mechanisms of the body, is something beyond my control and I've accepted that. I just wish that this situation didn't have to hurt my family.
Here I am blogging away about racing bikes in-spite of a bad hand I've been dealt and sometimes I wonder if it is doing any good. Honestly, it often feels a bit narcissistic (you should read this op-ed btw).