On my mind

Disclaimer: the following is personal and graphic. If you're looking for non-cancer related material, don't read this.

I probably shouldn't be blogging about what I'm about to blog about. But I've said that before, and it ended up re-opening the door to my own writing...so here it goes.

Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night completely terrified after a dream. In the dream, I had gone to MD Anderson and was drinking a cup of coffee as the doctor was looking over my x-rays. He showed me that there was a huge tumor compressing and displacing my collarbone and I told him that it was too hard to believe, since I didn't feel any pain at all. All of a sudden, the doctor starting staring, horrified, at my mouth and coffee cup. Next thing I knew, I was puking into my coffee cup and all over the floor. He then told me that I was vomiting up pieces of bone. I told him I didn't believe it and he asked to see my coffee cup, then proceeded to remove large pieces of flat bone, covered in blood. Then I woke up.

Sub-conscious catharsis?

Fear?

Denial?

Who knows.

Needless to say, the dream was on my mind for much of the day. I really don't mean to be harping on it...or even calling out for sympathy. In fact, that is exactly what I don't want. Honestly, I just want this to go away and one of the ways I've found that helps is writing about the deepest, darkest fears. Beyond my control, I'm starting to not feel a great deal of hope for the next 20-30 years. Next year, no problem. But, age 50 would be something I'd consider a miracle to see. And I'm not sure I believe in miracles.

I have been thinking a great deal about the next 6 months and am feeling a bit lost in it all. Mountain biking is starting to feel like a bad idea given the number of falls I took last year. Med school is seeming like a huge, un-necessary and worthless stress next year, especially considering that it will be really hard to get time off during my clinical rotations...and I'll clearly require it for various health needs (scans, doctor visits, blood tests, possibly more treatments). Educationally and professionally, I'm at an impasse because my current research either requires a serious investment of time or should be abandoned. Tomorrow I go to speak with the head of my department about some funding ideas for the research, so hopefully he'll have some good advice about what to do.